“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Velcrow
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
A fake ID that makes you younger
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.