flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
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bias laundering edition
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
a fate I wish upon no one
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.