Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
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I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.