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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.