We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe