Damn what did I do next
You Might Also Like
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.