What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Best mom ever 😂
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!