I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
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me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.