I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
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Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.