2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
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step 6: release the wall snake
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Made something I’m not proud of
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?