Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
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me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
the best thing i’ve ever made
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
the saddest jazz hands ever
Go girl power!
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?