If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
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My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.