Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.