Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
If looks could kill
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?