Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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Favourite diary entry ever
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
best review i’ve ever seen
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
No regrets in 2018
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My dog after a walk in the woods.