I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
work smarter, not harder
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance