I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.