Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”