My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
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If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I get distracted pretty eas
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]