*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Life cycle of cat
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
LOOOOOOL
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.