Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
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My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*3.5 thank you very much.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?