One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*