Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.