Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
You Might Also Like
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me if I was a dog
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.