Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
look at me when i’m typing to you
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.