Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever