this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
You Might Also Like
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off