I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
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I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My typo game is string.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Am getting real tired of your crap…
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.