Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.