Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
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Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake