My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
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Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Optional boss fight.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer