I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
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wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*