It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen