[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.