me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.