*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
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If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.