I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that