Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
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*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.