There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
crazy
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.