I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.