A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
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My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here鈥檚 another one.
Jail
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I鈥檒l be sleeping on the couch tonight.
If I weren鈥檛 supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 馃槈
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken馃悾 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them馃槀馃槀
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
馃く馃く馃く
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
What鈥檚 the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you鈥檙e not a house to be trifled with?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.