Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.