20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
#Caturday
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
This guy gets it.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults