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6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash