INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
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“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program