*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
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An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Holy shit he’s back
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.