Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
You Might Also Like
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show