Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
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Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
R.I.P.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…