I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
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The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’