“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
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My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
see you in hell you stupid fruit
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
How do you milk an almond?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*